Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister!

WARNINGS: -

* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* The consumption of Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many women as you feel may benefit!

Now Just Imagine What You Could Achieve With a Good Dry Merlot!!!

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses On And Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
   See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If they want fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
   Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ‘For Marijuana’
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’ t Attend Their Party Because You have a headache .
11. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream ‘I Won! I Won!’
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling’Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!’
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go’.
14. and finally, Pick Up A Box Of Condoms At The Pharmacy, Go To the Counter And Ask Where The Fitting Room Is.

It’s Called … THERAPY….. Have A Great But MAD Day

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.  However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can’t be turned off.
Recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

———————————
And the flip side…

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

———————————————————
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Try entering the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Flatulism 6.2

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

I’ve been wondering recently why things work out the way they do and what my part in events has been and how, if I had been able to, I could have made them different.  Then this little email with suggestions for a happier life popped into my inbox and really made me stop and think.

It also reminded me of something I have always lived by until very recently when I noticed I had stopped doing it for some reason, and that is to have an ‘attitude of gratitude’ – in other words I’m thankful for what I have in my life, the good and the bad, because everything helps me grow.  Now, you may think that this is a bit trite or naive maybe – but I can assure you it works and now that I’ve realised I’ve been missing it, I can start again.

• Always try to help a friend in need
• Believe in yourself
• Be brave…but it’s ok to be afraid sometimes
• Study hard
• Give lots of kisses
• Laugh often
• Don’t be overly concerned with your weight, it’s just a number
• Always try to see the glass half full
• Meet new people, even if they look different to you
• Remain calm, even when it seems hopeless
• Take lots of naps..
• Be weird whenever you have the chance
• Love your friends, no matter who they are
• Don’t waste food
• RELAX
• Take an occasional risk
• Try to have a little fun each day…. it’s important
• Work together as a team
• Share a joke with friends
• Fall in love with someone….. and say ‘I love you’ often
• Express yourself creatively
• Be conscious of your appearance
• Always be up for surprises
• Love someone with all of your heart
• Share with friends
• Watch your step it will get better
• Know that there is always someone who loves you more than you know
• Exercise to keep fit
• Live up to your name
• Seize the Moment (and the day)
• Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between
• Indulge in the things you truly love
• Cherish every Sunday
• At the end of the day… Give Thanks ……. and close your eyes
• And smile at least once a day!

I just had to include this round robin email (mainly because my blog is in danger of becoming serious and I couldn’t bear the thought of that) as it is my favourite from the many I’ve got in the last month or so.

Tips for the ladies in year 2008

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour..

3. Take life with a pinch of salt… A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl knickers and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else’s ex-boyfriend!

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!

• Aspire to inspire before you expire
• ‘Good friends are like stars………You don’t always see them, but you know they are always there’
• ‘Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live today’ for how quickly the years pass

This isn’t very PC I know, but ….. it made me smile at the back end of very, very, very long day!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?’
When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, ‘Who is our Lord and
Saviour?’
But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
‘Very good,’ and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?’
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that
f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

And ….. for the women amongst us:-

• BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF
• A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG… YOU DON’T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER
• I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER
• COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.  SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
• I’M OUT OF OESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
• WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT
• OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY… I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
• DO NOT START WITH ME.  YOU WILL NOT WIN!
• ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

And last but not least:

• IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN

Then:-

‘Whatever you give a woman, she’s going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So – if you give her any crap, you can expect a ton of shit.’

I received this from one of my many online friends and it really keyed into aspects of my life that are getting me down at the moment and helped me to view things slightly differently. It is especially relevant as my father had Alzheimers and I think I’ve mentioned before in this blog about how the weekends I spent with him during his illness were some of the best times we shared!

“It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’ He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’”"

Life isn’t about how to survive the storm,but how to dance in the rain.

Someone sent me these quiz questions in an email – see what you think and let me know.   Apparently you need four correct answers to pass!

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

I’m off on holiday for a week on Saturday so probably won’t post anything for a week or so.  I’m going to Belfast for my cousins wedding and then spending a week enjoying a break with my mum, sister and her partner in a cottage nearby and leaving John at home to mind the shop.  It’s not a bad life really is it!

Linda

ADVERTISEMENT FEATURE

• Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
• Do you suffer from shyness?
• Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident
about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of
your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to
do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with
a regime of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent
you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will
be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never
knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn’t mind
nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration,
dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of
Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network morethan 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000year old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland’s inhabitants were already using wireless technology.